Dear Trainer at an undisclosed JCC on the North Shore of Long Island,

Thank you for taking the the time to introduce my new athlete to machine-based activities, clearly irresponsible protocols, and thoughtless programming. I am certain that your intentions were good, however that means absolutely nothing with regard to providing any semblance of a valid fitness program for this athlete.

Please take the time to consider that, should you still be “training” clients this way, you have little to zero idea of the following:

1) What you are doing
2) Why you are doing it
3) What you should be doing
4) Why you are incompetent

When an individual presents limited general strength and stability, it may not be the finest of ideas to have them sitting for the majority of the fitness session and then running around a track. Of equal concern is that you had a student, who spends the majority of the day seated, as most students do, on a stationary bike.

It will likely take me several weeks to ween this pleasant teenager off of his requests to sit on the recumbent bike with a teeth-grinding amount of forward flexion and pelvic tilt, walk on the treadmill, or lie face down on some abdominal contraption. You do not know these terms, because you are bad at your job. But rest assured, he will soon develop the ability to squat, press, pull, and move with strength, stability, and a reasonable amount of coordination. And actually enjoy it.

Please see to it that you renounce your chosen profession dig a fine, commendable hole in the ground and live in it or figure out how to be a halfway decent fitness professional.

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